Media Release - Gambling Epidemic

Every trend in society that concerns someone is now deemed an "epidemic". For instance we are told that there is a "gambling epidemic". Our think tank Me Thinks did some investigation into this (via a few quick searches of the Internet) and as far as they can tell nobody has yet managed to identify a gambling virus or bacteria. Nonetheless Me First! do share in the concern over gambling. In particular it concerns us that much gambling activity is fucking boring!

We have had a look at those poker machines rooms at pubs. At a glance they look interesting. Lots of lights and sounds. Lots of engaging themes emblazoned on the machines like The Riches Of The Ancient Nile or The Gold Of The Pirate King. Those rooms look a bit like games arcades but with nicer fixtures and decor. But on closer inspection they are nothing of the kind. Buttons get pressed - yes - but in a monotonous way. Press. Press. Press. Nobody is frantically smacking those controls. Nobody is commenting on the skill of another. Nobody is comparing scores. This shit is incredibly dull. What gambling venues need is to become games arcades!

Get past the level boss and the machine gives you a few dollars. Destroy the big boss of all the levels and you hit the jackpot. Suddenly the lost and lonely ghosts of suburbia will be competing to kill the mummy and take its sapphire amulet. They will be having a drink afterwards at the bar and comparing notes on who was best at owning the arse of the Pirate King.

The gaming industry and the hoteliers will object however. They will say that if gambling games become skills-based then profits will be affected and then they will have to take away the nice couches we have in pubs these days. The house must always win. And yet the computer games industry thrives. Consumers pay just to play games even if they never hit the jack-pot. However if these two concepts were combined we may suddenly find that poker machine venues become lively as the wits and whimsy of gamers is stimulated. Gamblers may get addicted to something more worthwhile than the futile hope of magically vanquishing financial debts. The epidemic could turn into a funidemic. As it is poker machines are only fun for those making a profit off the suffering of the desperate.

Okay we admit it - sometimes these "joke" policy statements are anything but funny. That last sentence is depressing and too much like the truth.