Me First!

2011-04-15T13:38:00.002+10:00

Policy - Votes For Children! Yay!

Me First! has a Negative Income Tax policy (if you are below a particular level of income you are credited rather than debited tax) which is elegant but handicaps us in that we cannot do all the usual vote-buying that happens in politics. Or can we? Do voters only want riches or do they want power too? We shall test this on the greedy and demanding 'family' demographic with this radical new policy.

For every child you have Me First! will give you an extra vote! As long as you have custody of your child you will get to exercize that extra vote till that child becomes a legal adult and takes on responsibility for that vote themselves. The bigger your family the more votes you will get to cast as a parent! For the sake of convience every odd numbred extra vote will go to the eldest parent in a given family (so if you have three children then the elder parent will have the first and third vote while the younger parent will have the second vote).

This is fantastic for all those struggling Mums and Dads in voter land. Suddenly you have the political clout you deserve as nurturers of the next generation. But beware! The governent will be monitoring you to make sure you are worthy parents. Abusive or negligent parants can have children taken from them and into the care of the state. Now if that happens you will also loose those extra votes!

But once those votes exist on the electoral roll somebody has to cast them. Under Me First! policy the government will exercize the votes of all wards of the state. This will provide governments with the incentive they need to police parental behaviour stringently. Finally we will have governments that truly "think of the children" because every child is another unit of electoral power.

So remember Mum and Dad - Me First! giveth and Me First! taketh away. Mwahahaha...

2010-06-08T15:07:00.005+10:00

Media Release - Graffiti Faceoff!

Today Me First! announced that it has bugger-all interest in the supposed issue of graffiti. Some problems are just too small to concern government - even local government - and graffiti is one of those. However members of the public do bang on-and-on over the problem so Me First! has a solution.

In fact what we are offering is solution - the kind that dissolves paint. If elected a Me First! government would provide free-of-charge to all comers the tools needed to remove graffiti from both public and private property. A party spokesperson expressed the position in this way:

"If it annoys you so much then do something and take care of it yourself you bloody wingers! Issues like this are getting in the way of my Federal election campaign."

Evidence shows that the best way to combat graffiti-making behaviours is by removing the graffiti as soon as it appears. Me First! recommends a Do-It-Yourself (DIY) ethos in which residents of affected areas address the problem directly. In the case of a residential front fence it is the job of the home-owner to do the work. In the case of public areas such as bus shelters then we envisage the forming of local gangs of graffiti removers who will wander the streets combating the issue as it arises. These groups will spontaneously form as is right for the libertarian culture we seek to cultivate.

"We reckon that over time these removal gangs will each develop a unique identity and sub-culture. They will even have names and logos for themselves. They will take pride in the work they do and to promote that will plaster their logos over the sites that they have rescued from graffiti. Soon images such as the 'tag' Gramps Graffiti Gutters will become commonplace across the suburbs."

Me First! recommends a DIY response to graffiti for all Australians. And if residents just let graffiti happen then this is the same as saying that they are in fact fine with it and simply like to whine for the sake of it.

2010-04-23T18:54:00.012+10:00

Policy - Smother Terror With Decadence

Me First! feel that to face an enemy we must understand that enemy. An accurate analysis of terrorists will suggest more effective methods of combating them. And what has passed as analysis of terrorism over the past decade is pretty pathetic. Here are some misconceptions regarding the origins of terrorism:

- Terrorists are the product of impoverishment: The problem with this is that many of the terrorists are themselves rather affluent. Yes they come from nations in which abject poverty exists but rarely do they themselves wish to address that issue. Indeed class and status are an accepted aspect of the terrorist ethos. Also - if one is seeking to use violence as a way of overcoming ones poverty then one becomes a pirate rather than a terrorist and captures booty rather than killing for nothing but glory. As if to prove this assertion we find that the most prominent of modern-day pirates come from the poorest continent - Africa - while terrorist movements usually come from the southern expanses of Eurasia.

- Terrorists are the product of a religious 'clash of civilizations': Well this is better in that it recognizes religion as a factor but it distorts the picture grossly. What is proposed is a rivalry between the Islamic and Christian nations of the world. But as has been observed the supposed 'War On Terror' is an 'asymmetrical' one. This phrase usually refers to the fact that the the terrorists operate in cells as part of transnational networks while those opposing them operate as the military forces of defined nation-states. But another key difference is that one side (the terrorists) are religious fundamentalists while the other side are merely secular governments that have some religious fundamentalists as constituents. This is a big difference.

Ultimately what the terrorists oppose is the permissive society that grows as a result of the lack-of-control one finds in secular states. This is what they target in detonating bombs - wild debauched libertine cultures in which adults have to decide for themselves what sin is and how much of it they want to engage in thank-you-very-much. It is with this in mind that Me First! suggests that the best defense for sinners is sin. Tempted? Then read on...

Decadence Corps

To combat terrorists you have to find them. So far the preferred method of locating terror suspects has been with 'profiling' which focuses on what someone looks like. The problem with this is that terror is a meme rather than a gene. They can look like almost anything. It is what they think and feel that matters and that can be difficult to detect. Nothing works better however than a visceral response to something. Something that revolts us provokes a response quicker than our cultivated behaviour can hide it.

Even the most well-disguised terrorist will betray his feelings of disgust if propositioned by a six foot tall cross-dresser. It is with this in mind that Me First! propose the formation of Decadence Corps to operate alongside more conventional security forces.

Members of the Decadence Corps will sashay and shimmy into suspected terrorist havens. They will sport all manner of markers of deviance - stiletto heels, fishnet stockings, hot-pants, PVC skirts, mesh tops, corsets, garish hair extensions. They will also travel in small units because some aspects of decadence can only be demonstrated by collaborative action. The responses of observers will be recorded by an array of spying devices incorporated into all that kinky and trashy couture.

Anyone who responds violently to this presence will discover that every member of the Decadence Corps is a superbly trained and equipped combatant. Me First! cannot go into specifics as that information is classified but any fan of comic-book movie adaptations will have a sense of what we are visualizing here.

We also need to state for the record that all Decadence Corps operatives will be 'fit' to use a British colloquialism. Very very fit. The terror suspects will both revile and lust after those who will bring them to justice. This policy was a lot of fun to conceptualize let me tell you!

One side-effect of this strategy is that it may inadvertently identify home-grown prudes as terrorists. But - hey - prudes advocate a life of austerity and self-sacrifice so spending time in prison while awaiting trial will be like a holiday for them.

If Me First! never manage to get this policy implemented we will then sell the rights to the Decadence Corps concept to the adult products industry - you too could role-play "terrorist and tramp" in the comfort of your own bedroom.

2010-04-09T11:55:00.007+10:00

Media Release - Slobby & Green

Many mistakenly think that Me First! as libertarians would be 'climate skeptics'. Our response to this is that there is a big difference between skepticism and blinkered pig-ignorance.

The biggest culprit in human-induced climate change is industry but the trend in popular political debate is to focus on the domestic impact of the average citizen. Me First! would like to shift the focus of debate but are just too small and pissy to do that. But we can try and get our unique line into the existing debate. With that in mind we asked a question of the Me Thinks think tank. That question was:

What existing popular way-of-life within Australian society is best placed to minimize environmental impacts?

The answer Me Thinks has provided is reproduced here.

The suburban or garden-variety slob is the Australian whose unconscious actions produce the smallest environmental impact (as distinct from those who consciously act to minimize environmental impact). Consider the following day-to-day behaviours of slobs:

- Slobs wear their clothes till they are falling apart.

- Slobs only clean and tidy in a sparing and cautious manner and so use less grooming products, cleaning products, water and electricity as compared to non-slobs.

- Slobs may own cars but many of those cars are left sitting (bereft of petrol or even registration) in front yards slowly returning to nature. This is even better than having never owed one as they are depriving a non-slob of a car they would otherwise be driving.

- Slobs resist travel and entertainment. They would rather sit at home in front of the telly or the game machine than go for a night on the town and indulge in all the many kinds of consumption that ensue.

- Slobs utilize 'community kitchens' thus contributing to an economy-of-scale which minimizes trasport and energy costs. Compare ten non-slob households with ten slob households. The ten non-slob households have all gone and purchased food from the shops and likely using cars. They have all utilized water and energy across ten kitchens in preparing home cooked meals. As much as they "buy in bulk" they still dispose of a lot of packaging. Contrast this with the bahaviour of those ten slob households. They all slouch on down to the local fast food franchise which can truly bulk-buy and has taken care of all the transport and food preparation in one kitchen. The only draw-back of this way-of-life currently is the use of packaging for every fast food meal (rather than reusing crockery) but this can change with the development of edible fast food packaging.

It would be prudent for governments to provide incentives for more Australians to convert to slobbiness for the sake of the environment. Slobbiness is much more attractive than self-sufficiency and many Australians already practice it in numbers. Addressing the prejudice currently directed at slobs would be an important part of such a process.

Me First! has accepted this recommendation of Me Thinks and will be developing the Slobby & Green campaign for the next Federal Election. We will start by creating a number of amusing and endearing cartoon characters reminiscent of the Life Be In It family but with more diverse and inclusive backgrounds to demonstrate that slobbiness can be for everyone.

Me First! would also welcome campaigning help from slobs but accept that most of them will be just too bloody lazy to bother.

2009-12-06T12:02:00.004+11:00

Policy - Emigration Policy

Every party has an Immigration Policy. And there is lots of debate on the topic - most of it skewed. A lot of fuss is made over a handful of refugees entering Australian waters on rickety vessels while a considerably larger number of tourists stay well beyond Visa expiry dates and generally nobody is the wiser as to how much or little impact all this truly has on them. Well Me First! find it boring! We want to do something different and with that in mind are introducing a unique Emigration policy.

Me First! believe that we in Australia should have a say in who leaves Australia. We think to make Australia a happy place it is necessary to allow those who want to live in it to live in it and those who evidently do not want to live in it to live elsewhere. Consider the following case study...

Mildred Brown is a nth generation anglo-celtic Australian in her mid-50s. She is nominally Anglican and attends church for funerals, Christmas, Easter, weddings and baptisms (in that order of frequency). She keeps three cats. Her income comes from a mix of government benefits and from selling knitted products at craft markets. She enjoys reading Mills & Boon novels but that is pretty much the only thing she enjoys.

There are however plenty of things she detests. A short sampling of things that "cheese her off" includes:

- How much money the local council have spent on a skate park recently
- How the corner store now smells of curry powder while in her youth it had smelt of licorice
- How she cannot now eavesdrop on many conversations on the train because they are spoken in languages other than English
- How hot summer gets (which is ironic as it is the best time for selling products at markets)
- How the neighbours play loud rock and roll music on Saturday nights after 8pm

Now Me First! want Mildred to be happy and we think the simplest way to do this is to change her rather than the Australia she now lives in. The best way we can do that is by changing her living circumstances - radically.

Under Me First! Emigration Policy someone like Mildred would be offered a one-way plane ticket to Iceland (which we identify as having the demographics and climate most likely to satisfy). She would also be allowed to continue drawing on her Australian government income support from Iceland. In fact she would only be allowed to draw that income from within Iceland! A one-off payment would be made to the Icelandic Government to take on Mildred as a permanent resident - a payment they are likely to accept under current economic conditions.

Mildred will find a small cottage in an outer suburb of Reykjavík with retirees for neighbours - she will be helped in this process by the British Consulate (since Australia lacks one in Iceland). In this setting Midred will be much more happy than she is in Australia. English is a popular language there so she will be okay even if she never learns Icelandic. And an on-line directory lists the number of Icelandic skate-parks as "zero".

This case study is just one of the many personalized ways in which Me First! will make Australia a more happy place by facilitating the emigration of unhappy Australians to the world.

2009-12-06T11:29:00.008+11:00

Media Release - Feet First!

Today Me First! announced the formation of a new representative group associated with the party that will advocate for the needs and aspirations of that most marginalized of persons - the long-suffering Australian pedestrian. This new activist and lobbying group will be called Feet First! and its slogan will be "We were here first so put our Feet First!"

In seeking a constituency Me First! have identified pedestrians as an under-represented demographic that we can hopefully ~~take advantage of~~ help. Humans were walking for hundreds of generations before the invention of the wheel. And yet everyone but pedestrians get represented by non-government organizations. In Victoria for instance motorists have the RACV while public transport users have the PTUA and cyclists have Bicycle Victoria. Me First! will address this lack with its promotion of Feet First!.

Feet First! will lobby governments to promote pro-pedestrian policy demands. However novel forms of direct action will also be employed. Consider for instance a sequence of four zebra crossings around a cross-road in a shopping area - Feet First! activists will gather in sufficient numbers to form a walking loop that covers all four crossings and constantly moves in a clockwise direction thus preventing any non-pedestrian movement through the intersection till such time as the local government meets our demands.

Some of the Feet First! demands will include...

- Ensuring that all streets have a footpath on at least one side of the street even in new "but I only drive my car" estates.

- Having pedestrian crossings added to all points were surveys prove pedestrians regularly cross in numbers (even if this is a few meters away from an existing crossing).

- Converting all pedestrian crossings into zebra crossings thereby ensuring pedestrian right of way.

- Putting pedestrian crossings at particularly busy roads under or over the road (yes that is a concession to wheel-users - see how reasonable we can be).

- Dividing all footpaths on major walkways into fast and slow lanes. All users of prams, pushers, shopping trollies, and couples holding hands and walking side-by-side will have to use the slow lane.

- The Jetsons promised us a future of moving walkways and we want them! All busy footpaths along shopping streets will have travelators installed as the pedestrian slow lane.

- Introducing a new Pedestrian Discount Card which allows all registered pedestrians to access discounts of walking-related products such as joggers, casual street wear, back-packs, sun-screen, sunglasses, hats, umbrellas, refreshing drinks and MP3 players.

With this attractive set of demands Feet First! are sure to grow quickly and make a huge impact on the forward march for pedestrian rights. If some of the demands of the group seem a bit much then Me First! can always remind commentators that the party and the group are distinct units that work together and that Me First! is limited by political reality from implementing all the demands of its constituents (while still getting votes from them).

Note that the group was originally to be named Me Pediphile! till public relations experts advised us that punters prefer plain English.

2009-03-20T12:33:00.005+11:00

Policy - Lovelink: Australia Needs More Love!

Me First! will be implementing the policy of 'Negative Income Tax' thereby allowing the abolition of Centrelink (as both collection of tax and payment of income-support will be taken care of by the Tax Office). However the model of Centrelink will be the basis for a new government instrumentality - Lovelink.

Lovelink will be the government owned and operated dating agency. Its purpose will be to facilitate the formation of relationships and ultimately the promotion of family bonds. Key aspects of the Lovelink policy will include:

Smoochstart Allowance: This payment will cover the costs of travel to date locations (the further the better so as to combat in-breeding), flowers, restaurant dinners, movies, dances, motel rooms, chocolates and contraceptives.

Date Diary: Eligibility for Smoochstart will depend on the regular submission of a Date Diary in which the identity of persons dated and the nature of dating activity entered into must be proven (face-to-face dates only will be recognised). The Date Diary can be an entirely on-line document allowing for minimal resource usage and document handling. The on-line medium will also allow for supporting evidence such as embarrassing Facebook photos to be linked to (naturally Lovelink will have to be ones Facebook Friend to allow us access to such evidence).

Partner Search Support: The full array of connection services provided by any dating agency will be given by Lovelink. Lovelink will quickly become the most patronised of such services (because of the Smoochstart incentive) and thereby provide the largest pool of potential suitors.

Lover Resume: One innovation of the Lovelink method will be the Lover Resume. This will be different from a normal on-line profile and will aggressively sell ones attributes as a partner. The resume will include references from exes one is still friends with or admirers who never got the chance (so you gotta be nice).

Woo & Win Intensive Support: For those particularly difficult-to-date clients Lovelink will provide comprehensive training and conditioning to become a better date. This will be useful for everyone from wall-flowers to obnoxious jerks (who will have to sit together in the same seminar and get lectured by some successful but aging Casanova or Casanovix).

With this raft of initiatives Lovelink will exponentially increase the number of dates happening in society. Statistically the more one dates the more quickly one will find the right partners. The end result will be a more happy society, a greater incidence of wanted children, and improved stimulation of the hospitality sector.

2009-03-20T12:08:00.004+11:00

Policy - The New United Churches

Me First! advocate for religious freedom. Anyone can formulate and promote any supernatural and moral code they wish to and submit it to the jury of public opinion. Every person can invent a personal religion for themselves for all we care. Pigs may fly. Religious tolerance is one thing. But government support of religion is another thing altogether. Consider all the current government practices regarding religious organisations:

- Exemption from anti-discrimination laws

- Non-profit tax-exemption status for religious charity organisations

- Massive tax-payer funding of religious schools and hospitals

Under a Me First! government all these benefits will only be given to a handful of state-sanctioned churches. If any existing religious groups wish to take advantage of these benefits then they will need to merge with a united church such as...

The Australian Monotheist Church: For all Christians, Jews and Muslims. You want all those schools and hospitals to keep getting government funding? Well then you will have to work with your fellow theists who think pretty much the same things anyway.

The Australian Polytheist Church: Everyone from strict Hindus to vague-and-fluffy Wiccans will have to work together in this church if they want government favorability. What fun that will be.

The Australian Dualist Church: Yes even the few thousand Zoroastrians in Australia can get in on the pork-barreling if they want!

With this policy Me First! will both make for more efficient state-church relations and allow Australians to more fully understand the common assumptions under which persons of religion labour.

2009-03-20T11:50:00.005+11:00

Policy - Manners Campaign

Manners is the lubricant that smooths the path of relations between the millions of members of our diverse society. It is paramount that manners be promoted in society and Me First! have a policy to address this. Key planks of our policy will include...

- An aggressive and shocking advertising campaign demonstrating some of the many rude and offensive things that happen. Everything from forgetting to use indicators to pushing into line will be depicted on posters underscored by the catchy slogan "Now that is just fucking rude!".

- Current anti-discrimination legislation will be renamed and rewritten to drive home the fact that prejudice on the basis of gender, sexuality, creed, culture, sub-culture, income, ability or attractiveness is just fucking rude.

- Manners is a learned behavior and as such requires regular revision and reinforcement throughout life. We forget things over time. It is hardly surprising then that the elderly are among the rudest members of society (consider the elderly person getting on the bus and needlessly disputing how much change the driver gives them then sitting down and wanting to talk with someone who is evidently absorbed in a book). The elderly will be targeted for manners re-education. An advertisement will show a child telling off an elderly relative for commenting on the outlandish attire of a passer-by with the phrase "gramps that is just fucking rude".

With such a raft of initiatives Me First! intends to promote a more courteous and decorous national culture.

2006-09-14T16:28:00.002+10:00

Policy - Abolition of Scouts & Guides (Paramilitary Groups)

Me First! is a libertarian party. As such we want government to be minimised. However we do accept the need for some form of government (e.g. we differ from bloody anarchists) and since we have to have some kind of government it may as well conform to the classical definitions of 'The State' as established by writers such as Thomas Hobbes. One of the key characteristics of the state is that it has a "monopoly of violence". For that to happen the government cannot tolerate the existence of any non-government paramilitary organisations within its national territory. It is imperative therefore that we abolish paramilitary groups like the Scouts and Guides!

Look at the scouts and guides for a moment: The uniforms, the titles, the marching, the discipline, the survival skills - all these things suggest that they are much more than just a nice safe thing to send the kids off to so that Mum and Dad will have a bit of time to themselves. In truth they are forging an intergenerational army of loyal and subservient warriors for some yet-to-be exposed military coup on behalf of reactionary forces in society. This cannot be tolerated. Me First! therefore propose the abolition of the Scouts and Guides and the compulsory acquisition of all assets and property of those organisations.

The huge swathes of land owned by the Scouts and Guides will be (a) utilised for government purposes such as Lovelink offices and (b) land sales for private purposes to contribute to government general revenue. Finally a register of all former scouts and guides will be maintained and they will be monitored to ensure they never engage in any future subversive paramilitary activity.

Note: Yes of course the public have the right to overthrow oppressive regimes... but to do that they will have to face the full legal and military power of the state to prevent and punish such subversion. Any revolution worth its salt has to arise in response to a proper abuse of power which Me First! is happy to provide.

2006-06-21T17:25:00.002+10:00

Policy - Health-AND-Education: Integrated Nodes for Lifelong Service

Politicians frequently use the phrase ‘Health and Education’ in election campaigns. They do this because of the conventional wisdom that says these two issues are important to voters and feel that they will win votes simply by uttering this convenient three-word phrase. But is there any connection between these two issues? Me First! thinks there is. That is why Me First! has a unique Health and Education policy. This policy proposes the establishment of Integrated Nodes for Lifelong Services that will commonly be known as ‘hospischools’ or ‘schoolspitals’.

In these nodes the functions of education and health will be united within the same community campus. Such nodes will attend to the development and preservation of both body and mind. The new United Churches will be permitted to establish independent non-government nodes that will provide for those of us who want to attend to the alleged spirit as well as body and mind.

The average node will incorporate into it all health and education needs for a given community across all generations. Everything from paediatrics to palliative care and everything from kindergarten to ‘university of the third age’ classes will be provided for within a node. Consider some of the many efficient connections between health and education that will be facilitated by such integrated nodes:

- A child falls from the monkey bars cracking his fragile skull. He can be taken quickly to the emergency ward a short walk away.

- Another child in the yard is refusing to observe ‘Sunsmart’ practices during the summer months. She can be taken to visit an old codger in a hospital ward who is having melanomas removed from his bald top.

- Yet another child – this time a teenager – accidentally got herself pregnant behind the shelter sheds a few weeks back. On discovering this her teacher can quickly and quietly escort her over to the fertility control clinic for an abortion.

- A jaded teacher of Year 9s has had pretty much all he can take from the shits. But help is at hand as he is a short walk away form a doctor who will be happy to euthanase him.

- A mature-aged student with a ‘chip on his shoulder’ is talking far too much in a university tute so the tutor sends for an anaesthetist to sedate the pesky fellow.

The establishment of integrated nodes can make use of existing health and education facilities – redeveloping some while closing and selling off others for housing purposes. It is anticipated that such sales will in turn be sufficient to fund the redevelopment of old schools and hospitals into new integrated nodes. The result of all this will be the development of a smarter and fitter community with better levels of inter-generational understanding.

2006-06-06T12:12:00.002+10:00

Policy - A new Capital for a New Federation

Me First! thinks Canberra is a rotten location for a capital city. What were we as a nation thinking? It is cold and isolated. Its territory (the Australian Capital Territory) is entirely surrounded by another state rather than located at the border of states. It is too close to Sydney and too far from Melbourne. It is an artificial city dominated by bureaucrats. It lacks a natural body of water (something every decent city needs) and so has the artificial Lake Burley Griffin. And to get to it you have to detour off the Hume Highway. It sucks and Me First! have a radical plan to change all that...

Albury-Wodonga For Australian Capital!

Me First! will transfer all the functions of our capital city to the existing twin city of Albury-Wodonga located on the Murray River at the border of our two most populous states of New South Wales and Victoria. The city limits will become a new federal territory. Our capital will then have its own natural waterway and be on a major roadway. It will have a large and diverse population base and its own industry rather than merely the 'industry' of government. Government decisions will be less likely to preference Sydney over Melbourne. Politicians will find it more difficult to get isolated and 'out of touch' with the Australian public. An existing community with its own rich history will infect the greyness of political life with colour and movement. And the two names of this twin city will tell international visitors of both the settler and indigenous origins of the Australian nation.

A new parliament house will be constructed over the mighty Murray and will be designed by world-class architects to be reminiscent of a classic Murray River steamboat. The 'wheel' will act as a ride similar to the Eye in London (albeit smaller as there will be less to see in Albury-Wodonga). Staff at Parliament will wear uniforms based on those of riverboat crew. Other implications of the new site will arise such as replacing the practice of 'sin binning' MPs with that of 'dunking in the drink'... From the newer 'New Parliament' here our elected representatives will both literally and figuratively "steer the course of national affairs".

ACT for National 'Primeval' Park

Once all the population of Canberra has moved to Albury-Wodonga, the entire Australian Capital Territory (ACT) will become a national park of world significance. All existing infrastructure will be left to succumb to natural forces of decay and regrowth (which will be filmed by automated cameras for timelapse playback over the coming decades). Access to the park will be severely restricted to the following:

- Park Officers & Security Staff: These will be stationed in the skanky township of Yass in the hope of improving the feel of that location.

- Movie Crews: On successful application to the Federal Government, movie crews wishing to produce post-apocalyptic action movies in a realistic (rather than computer graphics) setting will film on location in the crumbling ruins of Canberra.

- Exiles: Those who fundamentally object to our way of life (e.g. religious fanatics, political extremists, tax evaders) will be given the option of living in one of two 'Zones of Voluntary Exile' of which the ACT will be one (the other will be the Australian Antarctic Territories). Security Staff will let them into the park with only the clothes they are wearing and what they can carry in one pack.

2006-05-14T18:59:00.002+10:00

Policy - A New Federalism for a New Federation

Warning: This policy is only funny if you are me...

At some time in the last few decades some politician made use of the term ‘New Federalism’ but is was just some lame buzz-word. Me First! however presents a policy that will truly offer us a New Federalism.

Australia was always supposed to be a federation of states but over time power has been concentrated into the hands of the Federal Government. In some ways we are now more of a unitary state particularly with the way Cabinet behaves. We need to restore the integrity of our Federal nation-state and to do that Me First! will draw inspiration from a confederal model in order to overcome the long-standing trend towards unitary government. The model we will look to is that of the European Union (EU). The Membership has been on holiday in Europe and enjoyed the experience. Surely such enjoyment arose in part from an effective array of inter-related governmental forms.

To convert the current institutions of Australian Federal Government into EU-like institutions the following steps will be taken:

The Commission: Establish an Australian Commission consisting of a group of eminent persons drawn from the public service, academia, industry, the community sector and reality television. They will be drawn from the states in the following numbers but will be sworn to serve the best interests of Australia as a whole.

New South Wales: 3
Victoria: 3
Queensland: 2
Western Australia: 2
South Australia: 2
Tasmania: 2
Australian Capital Territory: 1*
Northern Territory: 1
Total: 16

* Note that the ACT will later be abolished under the ‘A New Capital for a New Federation’ Policy.

The purpose of the Commission will be to draft legislation for consideration by both the Parliament and the Council of Ministers and also to manage the bureaucracy that will then implement legislation made into law. Commissioners will sit four-year terms.

The Parliament: Abolish the Senate – its role of representing the states will be transferred to the Council of Ministers. Abolish the practice of having ministers drawn from Parliament thereby abolishing Prime Minister and Cabinet. Have its quasi-executive powers transferred to both the Commission and the Council of Ministers. All parliamentarians will then be free to solely represent constituents. Re-name the House of Representatives the Australian Parliament (a new unicameral parliament). Keep the current number of parliamentarians (Members of the Australian Parliament – MAPs) but alter the way they are elected to Proportional Representation (PR) on the basis of the following two kinds of multi-member electorates:

- 5-member electorates of approximately 400,000+ voters needing a quota of approximately 16.67% to elect each MAP.

- 2-member electorates of approximately 160,000+ voters needing a quota of approximately 33.34% to elect each MAP.

MAPs will be drawn from the states in the same numbers as at present and electorates will be distributed as follows:

NSW - 5-MAP Electorates: 10 - 2-MAP Electorates: 0 - Total MAPs: 50
Vic - 5-MAP Electorates: 7 - 2-MAP Electorates: 1 - Total MAPs: 37
Qld - 5-MAP Electorates: 5 - 2-MAP Electorates: 1 - Total MAPs: 27
WA - 5-MAP Electorates: 3 - 2-MAP Electorates: 0 - Total MAPs: 15
SA - 5-MAP Electorates: 2 - 2-MAP Electorates: 1 - Total MAPs: 12
Tas - 5-MAP Electorates: 1 - 2-MAP Electorates: 0 - Total MAPs: 5
ACT* - 5-MAP Electorates: 0 - 2-MAP Electorates: 1 - Total MAPs: 2
NT - 5-MAP Electorates: 0 - 2-MAP Electorates: 1 - Total MAPs: 2
Aus - 5-MAP Electorates: 28 - 2-MAP Electorates: 5 - Total MAPs: 150

* Once the ACT is abolished these numbers will be adjusted according to distribution of former ACT voters.

The 2-Member Electorates will be located as much as is practical in inner-metropolitan areas so as to limit the ability of some of the more kooky elements that congregate in such areas to get electoral representation. The likely distribution of 5-Member and 2-Member electorates in Victoria will serve to illustrate how electorates will be arranged.

- Inner Metropolitan Melbourne: 2-Member Electorate
- Western Metropolitan Area: 5-Member Electorate
- Northern Metropolitan Area: 5-Member Electorate
- Eastern Metropolitan Area: 5-Member Electorate
- South-Eastern Metropolitan Area: 5-Member Electorate
- Eastern Rural Area: 5-Member Electorate *
- Northern Rural Area: 5-Member Electorate *
- Western Rural Area: 5-Member Electorate *

* These electorates will include regional centres and even some outer-metropolitan fringes – the fact of the matter is that there is simply a lot more of us city-slickers!

As the MAPs are elected by PR they will represent the diversity of sane political opinion in Australia and as electorates are distributed according to population the Australian Parliament will represent the interests of the Australian population - it will truly be the ‘popular house’. MAPs will sit in party political groupings rather than state delegations. They will be elected to four-year terms.

The job of the Australian Parliament will be to assess and amend draft legislation presented to it by the Commission. Draft legislation will then be passed onto the Council of Ministers for final acceptance or rejection.

The Council of Ministers: The Council of Ministers will be a meeting of whichever state government ministers are needed to consider a particular policy area. If for instance the draft legislation to be assessed is an employment policy then all the state and territory employment ministers will meet to accept or reject Federal laws. There will be exactly one vote per state and state governments will thus get the final say in laws passed for the Federation of which they are an integral part. The most important form of the Council of Ministers will be the Council of Premiers that will replace the present useless Premiers Conference. One of the roles of the Premiers in Council will be to select the Commissioners. Every state and territory will get its chance to facilitate Council meetings by a rotating chairpersonship of six months per state or territory.

With the institutions thus described the need of expert involvement in policy development will be met by the Commission while the Parliament will represent the Australian Public as a whole and the Council will truly represent the States. Only one more institution needs changing…

The President: Me First! is a republican party and proposes replacing the Queen of Australia with a President of Australia. Me First! will circumvent the tiresome debate over whether the President is selected by the voters or by politicians by having the President selected from the Electoral Role by random number generator. Any voter in Australia could win ‘Republican Lotto’ then become President and be expected to cut ribbons and hob nob with international statespersons. Think of this like Jury Duty. The Presidential term will be four years (Note: This is a Me First! innovation rather than anything inspired by the EU).

State Governments: The states are older than Federation and in recognition of this Me First! will preserve at a state level a form of parliamentary government in which government ministers are derived from Parliament. There will however be unicameral state parliaments elected in a similar manner to the Australian Parliament. Furthermore the state governors will be replaced by Aboriginal Elders in a bold move that will provide reconciliation between indigenous and non-indigenous Australians once and for all.

The analogy Me First! have in mind is that of rental accomodation. Just owning something is a very different thing from controlling it. Tennants have rights. The residents of a rental property can furnish it and live in anyway they wish. All the owner can do is make sure they take care of the property and derive some income from the relationship. This is what Me First! proposes for Indigenous relations. The aboriginal community will develop its own mechanisms for selecting a State Elder in each state. Elders will take on the roles currently held by governors. In this way the traditional owners of Australia will be recognised in its very state apparatus and the rest of us can be freed of that stigma attached to squatters because we will in fact be "paying the rent".

Elders will have the right to sell titles and honorifics. Any organisation that wishes to have the word 'royal' in its name will have to pay Elders for that right. All proceeds from such sales must be directed into projects for the benefit of indigenous Australians (other than that any support given to indigenous Australians will be identical to that given to any Australians in the form of welfare or community services).

And just as landlords must respect tennants so too Elders will have to respect the secular multicultural migrant democracy that resides here. They will be expected by convention and tradition to always rubber stamp the decisions of state parliaments. It is also hoped that they will improve the standard of pomp and ceremony at government houses and official proceedings (less Elgar and more Yothu Yindi).

Local Government: Me First! has a policy of 'Voluntary Local Government' (VLG) in which only those who want to use local government services will choose to pay rates. It is anticipated that this policy over time will totally undermine the viability of local governments just as VSU is likely to undermine non-academic student services at university. Once that happens Me First! state governments will step in and turn local government into an arm of state government. Everyone says we have too many politicians anyway so getting rid of all those municipal councillors will be a very popular move!

2006-05-10T12:39:00.007+10:00

The totally unique Me First! Party Structure and Mechanisms

The Me First! Party consists of these overlapping functional units:

The Me First! Executive – Me

The Me First! Membership – Me

Me First! State Divisions – As stated in ‘Why is Me First! different from all other political parties’ the Me First! Party is totally free from divisions of any kind whatsoever – even those based on interstate rivalry. Most interstate rivalry in Australia is fostered by an interest in sports like Australian Rules and the Membership has never had any interest in these sports so cannot see any need for state divisions in Me First!.

Me First! Branches – At any one time there is always one Me First! branch in existence depending on the current location of the membership. So for instance if the Membership is on the 9:00 am Glen Waverley train from Flinders Street Station then there is a Melbourne Branch at 9:00 am, a Glen Iris Branch at 9:15 am, and a Glen Waverley Branch at 9:35 am. Depending on personal circumstances these branches can be very effective campaigning units for the Me First! Party. On the other hand they can spend too much time just whinging.

The Me Generation (Youth Wing of the Me First! Party) – The Membership is now in its 30s but as they say “the 30s are the new 20s”. As such Me First! has its own youth wing - The Me Generation – which exists to keep the party young and fresh. The Me Generation can sometimes be seen at inner-suburban live music venues, outer-suburban housewarmings, and even rural camp-sites getting some R ‘n’ R.

Me Sexy (The Gender and Sexuality Issue Group of the Me First! Party) – To be perfectly honest this particular body within the Me First! Party has been dormant for some time now. However participation is open to both the membership and supporters of the Me First! Party so that may change at any time.

Me Too (The Me First! Party Supporters Network) – Me Too is for anyone who wants to further the political objectives of the Me First! Party but who cannot become a member because they are not me. Despite its total lack of political power it is this Supporters Network that plays a key role in the growing success of the Me First! Party.

Me Thinks (The Me First! ‘Think Tank’) – Every political party needs an associated public policy development organization or ‘think tank’ to recommend policy to it and promote public acceptance of that policy. Me Thinks gets grants from the government and spends it on the coffee needed to run policy-drafting sessions. It is important that Me Thinks works in isolation from the wider community to ensure that policy is free from such pesky considerations as practicality or popularity.

Feet First! (The NEW Me First! Pedestrian Representative Body) - In seeking a constituency Me First! have identified pedestrians as an under-represented demographic that we can hopefully ~~take advantage of~~ help. Originally named Me Pediphile! till public relations experts advised us that punters prefer plain English. Just say "We were here first so put our Feet First!"

Me First! Funding Strategy – Me First! and Me Too will be funded by any and all methods deemed useful. The most innovative of these funding methods shall be that of a ‘Tontine’: Every Me Too participant can contribute to a fund which will be utilised to fund Me First! campaigns. However every political party also has to prepare for the possibility of its demise and the disposal of its funds. Whatever is left of the fund at the cessation of party operations will be won in its entirety by the last surviving registered participant. This tontine will provide participants with incentive to stay with Me First! till the bitter end in the hope that they will be the last living participant and can win a bloody fortune from the cold ashes of an extinct party.

International Links: The Protista – It is normal for political parties to foster links with like-minded sibling parties worldwide. We made overtures to libertarians but even they found us too annoying. So Me First! has combed the world to find truly like-minded organizations and so far has succeeded in finding one other: The Protista. The Protista is a one-member liberation front in Latin America dedicated to freeing itself from the confines of its own limited political assumptions. Together Me First! and The Protista are in the process of establishing the Ego International but are experiencing differences over implementation issues.

2006-05-01T09:22:00.000+10:00

Why is Me First! different from other political parties?

The problem with all political parties both in Australia and internationally is that they lack of philosophical and organization coherence. Every party presents a confusing and contradictory set of statements derived from bastardised ideology and the need to appease conflicting interests within the party. Me First! overcomes these problems by having just one party member – me.

As the only member of Me First! I set the political character and policy platform and as a result it all makes perfect sense to me. Me First! is the only truly democratic party because everything the membership wants the membership instantly gets from the party organization. From moment to moment the Party Executive (me) knows exactly what the membership (me) is thinking. This makes Me First! incredibly responsive to changing political circumstances.

Of course the membership cannot work towards Me First! objectives all by itself which is why Me First! also has the Me Too supporter network for everyone who cannot be a member of Me First! but desperately wants to contribute to its political success.